Sit Down You're Rockin' The Boat

IN MY long media career, I can honestly say I have never been on the merry-go-round which is such a part of being a sports hack in Glasgow – Rangers press conference, Celtic press conference, Scotland press conference; Rangers game, Celtic game, Scotland game, and so on and on until retirement.

I have, by and large, avoided having to be nice to both the bigot brothers and the stumble-bums on the Sixth Floor at Hampden. However, I have, occasionally, been forced to attend these gatherings which are such a big part of the life of the Lap Top Loyal, the Celtic Apologists and the PR battalion of the Tartan Army.

One midweek Ibrox gathering, to announce Rangers' having Adidas as their kit sponsors, still makes me chuckle. The cream of Scotland's football writers had queued-up to respectfully discover the views of Mr (as he then was) Murray, the Rangers' Chairman; each one carefully addressing him as “Mr Murray” and only just managing not to tug his forelock as he did so.

Eventually, it was my turn to ask a question: “Davie” I began; you could hear the mass intake of breath, who was this usurper, daring to address Mr Chairman by his first name?

In response, David Murray addressed me by my first name, and, immediately at the end of the press conference, David Murray and I enjoyed a few moments of conversation, before he left. I was then collared by one of the pillars of the Scottish Football Writers Association, who demanded to know what I had been thinking of, addressing the Rangers' chairman by his first name.

I explained: “Ah kent his faither, Ah've kent Davie since he was involved in basketball, Ah've aye cried him Davie, so-what”. That Glaswegian clearly didn't appreciate how we did things in Ayrshire.

Then there was the summer afternoon at Somerset Park. If it wasn't Graeme Souness's first domestic game as Rangers' manager, it was one of the first. Post-match the new Rangers boss emerged from the dressing room to be confronted by the usual phalanx of football writers. Mobile phones were still fairly new and brick-size back then, so, when Souness asked if he could borrow one, he almost did himself an injury, so keen were the hacks to loan him theirs.

The above tales demonstrate, when it comes to the Old Firm, by and large the press are right up the clubs' erses; desperate to be noticed, careful not to offend, almost actively-seeking praise, recognition and a tit-bit from the Old Firm table. This means, straight away, objectivity goes out of the window.

I had a long spell of covering the local team for a local newspaper. We were a one-team paper, as such, we (the paper) were supporters. But, it was a two-way street, we scratched the club's back, they scratched ours. And, it was understood, by us and by the club, from Chairman, directors and Manager down to the lowliest apprentice, occasionally, we would have to criticise.

In nearly a decade in that job, we had one major fall-out, which was down to the Editor sticking his oar in where it wasn't needed. If the Manager, and I worked with five, thought I had written: “a load of shite” about a game, he was free to say this, knowing my response would be: “Aye, it was shite, just like your team's performance”. We never fell out.

OK, I was working with a single team, the hacks in our national newspapers are supposed to be working with 42 senior clubs, plus the various national sides and the lesser teams. They are supposed to treat each club equally, but, as we all know, two teams are more-important than all the rest put together, which isn't good for Scottish football, or the Scottish football press.

Right now, the managerial vacancy at Rangers is, apparently, the only story in Scotland, and, the stenographers (tm. Phil Mac Giolla Bhain) are falling over themselves not to offend Rangers in their coverage.

Rangers are in a mess, but, they've been in a mess for about a decade, since David Murray realised he could not continue to fund the club as he had been. There have been some (a lot) of stupid decisions made by the various people who have had charge of the club since SDM. Some of their signings have defied logic, the whole ethos of the club is wrong, but, not one hack has stood-up and said this. Why not? Fear, ignorance, a wish to not rock the boat? I don't know.

Well, one guy has had a go, consistently, and that is Bill Leckie of the Sun. Bill is a guy I have known for over two decades, he is a shining star in the firmament of Scottish sports journalism, and I commend his Monday morning piece on events at Rangers to the country.

It is a pity a few more of the stenographers (tm. Phil Mac Giolla Bhain) don't have Bill's balls. And, by the way, for the avoidance of doubt – BILL LECKIE IS A ST MIRREN FAN, believe me, he knows what it is like to suffer for your club.

SO, what happens next at Rangers? Your guess is as good as mine. There is an obvious press campaign to have: “A Real Rangers Man” installed as the next manager. OK, name me a RRM who is a good enough manager to take the current lot and bridge that chasm between them and Celtic?

Even if such a creature existed, remember, he has to do it with a Chairman who is, according to one of the top judges in South Africa: “A glib and shameless liar”, an opinion which might well be endorsed by a top Scottish judge by the time the various court cases involving the club are resolved.

Whoever comes in, even in a caretaker capacity, will have to work with the flawed squad he inherits, and, even to get rid of the obvious failures will cost the club money it clearly does not have. No manager with even half a brain would touch Rangers just now.

Except, someone will. Somebody desperate for a job, somebody, maybe a RRM, will have the ego to think: “I can turn this club around”. Aye Right.

The stenographers (tm. Phil Mac Giolla Bhain), are busy bigging-up their favourites. The usual suspects – Billy Davies, Alex McLeish, Derek McInnes are being named. Honestly, I don't think the stenographers (tm. Phil Mac Giolla Bhain) are doing these guys a favour.

Rangers are in a mess, indeed, they are in such a mess I can honestly see them being back in administration before the end of the season – the situation is that serious.